F Word::C Word {Feminism, Chauvinism & Hairbrushes}

{There are rude words in this post. You have been warned.}

The other night I was watching Survivor.  I'll just let that sink in for a minute.  Yes.  I watch Survivor.  I'm a bit of a die hard fan with a bit of an undying crush on Jeff Probst.


Deal.

It used to be my guilty pleasure.  But then Reannon at She Who Rambles threw this in my face{book feed}:

It's not my guilty pleasure anymore.  Okay?  Moving on.

So I'm watching Survivor and there's this friction in the tribe because apparently the boys are being crass and the girls are a bit repulsed.  And this one guy, the big, handsome firefighter dude says to one of the girls something along the lines of "It's just uncouth.  I would never behave that way in front of a lady."

And even though it was said with a lovely and chivalrous intent it bugged me.  Here's why.

Because chivalry should be an act of human decency.  Not an act of self censorship.  If you are going to be a jerk by all means, don't stop being a jerk on account of my femaleness.

Maybe don't be a jerk because you think it would be impolite, because you don't know me that well or because you are having second thoughts about being a jerk.  Maybe be less of a jerk because it's the right thing to do in the context of the given situation.  Don't do it just because I'm a girl.  That's a cop out I reckon.

Look, I love the idea of chivalrous behaviour.  I think there should be more of it.  Manners are ace.  Being kind is great.  Showing respect is cool.  And helping people out when they need a hand, I'm all for it.  But to base such behaviour on gender is not chivalry in my book.  It's chauvinism.

It might not be intended that way, but I reckon it is.

So please, don't modify your behaviour on account of the fact that I am a woman.  Just be a decent human being.  And I'll do the same.

Back in my working days there was one act of pseudo chivalry that bugged the hell out of me.  Inevitably I would end up being the lone woman in a group of men.  And somewhat predictably one of those men would see the need to use the word 'cunt'.

It's not the word 'cunt' that offends me.  What did offend me was that every time this particular guy dropped the c-word he would pause, look me in the eye and say, "No offence".

Gah.  It irritates me even now just recalling it.   

Because the first time he excused himself he might genuinely have been concerned at having offended me, but after that?  After that it's simply making the point that he didn't actually give a shit if I'm offended or not.

But mostly it's offensive because I really don't need to be singled out in that exchange.  To look me in the eye and direct the words only to me and not the men in the room, all that's doing is highlighting an irrelevant difference.  And that is just unnecessary.

I'm not offended by your use of the word "cunt".  Are you offended by my possession of one?

I guess I shouldn't be so irritated by these exchanges though.  Not really.  Because they are just a small example of the myriad of ways in which girls are spoken to differently in varying degrees.  And women are also guilty of this.  Mostly we don't even notice it, but I've really become aware of it since having a daughter of my own.  And by contrast a son.

I've seen the way people talk to my daughter since she was a tiny baby.  Commenting on her hair, her clothes, her appearance as if these were the most important things about her.

And the toys.  My god the toys.  Someone please tell me this: Why do so many of my daughter's toys  come with a hairbrush?  What the actual hell is that about?  Like girls should aspire to sit at home in front of the mirror and gaze at their own reflection.

My son has never been given a toy that comes with a brush.

He gets given toys that do stuff.  Toys that send him the message that he is capable, clever, imaginative and strong.

My daughter gets told she should look good.  Not overtly, obviously.  But isn't that the message?

And don't get me started on The Pink Aisle syndrome.  Last time I went into a toy store I bemoaned to the store manager how I hated the segregation of 'Girls Toys' and 'Boys Toys'.  The girls aisles being all about pretty and pink and princesses (there are also lots of food and cleaning type toys there).  The boy aisles conversely are very dark, blue, black, red and are all about trucks, cars and construction (with plenty of battle paraphernalia and weaponry thrown in for good measure).  Yuk.

"Yeah," he said, "I hate the girl aisle.  All that pink."

"It's not the pink specifically," I countered, "It's simply that they are segregated, like girls can't play with 'boy toys' and vice versa."

"Yeah", he continued, his enthusiasm for the conversation obviously waning, "But there's not really any other way of doing it."

What?  Are you serious?  You've just shown me a remote control car in the 'RC' (Remote Control) aisle.  And now you are walking me to the other side of the shop to show me a remote control dog.  Why is the remote control dog not in the RC aisle?  Oh, because it's a 'girls toy', so it has to come in a pink box with a pink bow and a FUCKING BRUSH.

You know what?  I totally acknowledge that there are strange and biological differences between boys and girls.  

Before my son was born I used to borrow books about trucks from the library for my daughter.  She'd read them and enjoy them, but it was nothing compared to the obsessive joy my son got from similar stimulus once he came along.  He truly loves heavy vehicles.  It's freakish in it's stereotypical-ness.

And because he loves them we encourage his interest by talking to him about them, buying books for him about them and stopping at every worksite we pass (sigh).  But we do this because he loves it.  Not because he's a boy and this is a boy thing.

I also encourage his reading, his imaginative play and his love of dressing up in tutus and fairy wings.

Now that my daughter is six she is all about princesses and pink and parties.  She won't wear jeans, only dresses.  It baffles me and I do wonder whether a lot of this is the influence of her peers now that she is at school.  She clearly doesn't get it from me (so not into pink. gag.)  But then she has some pretty tomboyish friends too and that doesn't stop her wanting to play with castles and fairies.

So I have to respect her choices too.  If that's what she's really into then I am not going to make her feel bad about that.  I want her to enjoy herself and be free to have her own tastes and interests.  I do however feel like I need to be more cautious with her choice of play than with my sons.  Because too frequently the toys that go along with her interests come along with a dangerous latent message that girls most important asset is her appearance.

That doesn't happen in the same way with my sons toys.

It's a big worry for me.  That the way we treat girls differently from boys, in all sorts of ways at all ages and in varying contexts subtly tells them that boys are entitled to take on the world, while girls should be happy with just looking good in it.

Which is such a limiting, terrible and terrifying message to give our little girls.  And our grown women too.

What do you think? Do you worry about this stuff?  Do you hate The Pink Aisle?

Listen To: Icona Pop I Love It

Image Licensed Under Creative Commons via Gratisography