Lean In

Ever since the advent of that Sheryl Sandberg book Lean In I've had the phrase in mind.  It's kind of pervasive in that way.  Which is weird for a couple of reasons.  Not least of which is that I haven't actually read the book.  Also because I think the book (from what I've heard) is all about women leaning into their careers and I'm a stay at home mum.



But you know why it circles around my mind so, even though I don't really know what she's on about and I don't even "work"?

Because for me it speaks to leaning in to what you really should be doing.

Leaning in to that which is the right, correct, the true path for you.

Leaning in to your dreams and hearts desires.

Leaning into where you need to be.

As I battle this year to find my feet, to feel the rhythm, to get my groove I ask myself why this is.  And finally I think I know what the answer is.

It's about putting distractions in my path.  It's about being busy when I can afford to be just not.  It's about turning everything I do into a burden or a chore instead of choosing to do things I love.  And to love doing them.  It's about not yielding when the path of those things meanders and changes.  I kid myself that this unyielding nature is a good thing - that it is discipline.  But sometimes it is just fool hardy and leads to inner conflict.

The other day I had a car accident.  Not a big one, just a bingle.  The kids weren't in the car and no-one was hurt.  There was no damage to the other car, since I ran into their tow-ball.  I managed to crack my own bumper bar quite nicely, but in the scheme of things it was quite a good way to have a crash.

Still it left me feeling flat and silly.  Because it shouldn't have happened.  Because I was distracted.  Because my mind was racing in like one hundred different directions none of which prioritised the road conditions in front of me.

I have been questioning my state of mind a lot this year, wondering why I feel so flighty and anxious and stressed in a life that is, in reality anything but.  Yet it was this little bingle that really gave me pause.  And in many ways provided the answers I was seeking.

Lean in.

Let go.

Strip back.

All I really want to do is be the best Mum I can be to my kids.  All I really want to do is give them a childhood full of happy memories and warm hugs.  All I really want is to focus on is my family, build those relationships up and make them shine.  All I really want is to have a happy home.

So what does this mean?

Well it doesn't mean I'm about to give up the things that I do that are just for me.  It doesn't mean that I am going to abandon my creativity, my writing or this blog.  But what it does mean is that I am no longer going to allow those things to feel like a burden or a chore.  I am no longer going to make myself feel like I am working for a demanding employer, a mean boss.  Because I am my own boss.  And I can do as I damn well please.  What a bloody luxury and what a bloody waste to not embrace that!

So here's to more of that - doing as I please.  Leaning in to my kids, my home and my family.  Leaning in to doing what I want and not punishing myself for breaking the rules.  Whose rules are these anyway?

So things around here might change a little too.  I love this space, I enjoy what I do here and the community I feel like I am part of.  But the thing that most gets me feeling like I'm living under a deadline is the pressure I put on myself to publish here each week.

So phase one of Operation: Lean In involves leaning out a little from this space.  I actually think this could be a really good thing, not only for my life at large, but also for this blog as well.  Because I often think of things I would like to explore here, more extensive articles, interviews and other ideas. Things that take time, things that I cannot turn around in a week.  So here's to a move away from the scheduled posts and a move towards posting if and when I want to.

This is a move that I have long toyed with but always been a bit afraid of, mostly because I don't trust myself.  I worry that if I don't maintain the discipline of posting weekly then I will let things slide and months will pass and this space will cease to be the vibrant place I am so pleased it has become.

Only time will tell.  But I don't think that will happen.  I hope it doesn't happen and if it looks like it might happen, well I guess I can always revert to Plan A.  Like my mate Annette from I Give You The Verbs would say, "It's not life and death."  Way to be the Keeper of my Perspective Annette.  Word.

I'm winding things back.  Not just here but in many aspects of my life.  Leaning away from the non-essentials, Leaning In to those things that are my priorities right now.

As another great blogging buddy Rachel from The Chronic Ills of Rach wrote about recently here, there is a tendency for many of us to think that just because we can do all the things we should do all the things.

I'm tired of doing all the things.  For right now I want to do a hell of a lot less of the things.  And rather just enjoy the things I do.

And on that note, see you soon. (But probably not next Thursday. Squee!)

What does Leaning In mean to you?

Listen to Airbag Radiohead