Sunday, November 30, 2014

F Word::C Word {Feminism, Chauvinism & Hairbrushes}


{There are rude words in this post. You have been warned.}

The other night I was watching Survivor.  I'll just let that sink in for a minute.  Yes.  I watch Survivor.  I'm a bit of a die hard fan with a bit of an undying crush on Jeff Probst.


Deal.

It used to be my guilty pleasure.  But then Reannon at She Who Rambles threw this in my face{book feed}:


It's not my guilty pleasure anymore.  Okay?  Moving on.

So I'm watching Survivor and there's this friction in the tribe because apparently the boys are being crass and the girls are a bit repulsed.  And this one guy, the big, handsome firefighter dude says to one of the girls something along the lines of "It's just uncouth.  I would never behave that way in front of a lady."

And even though it was said with a lovely and chivalrous intent it bugged me.  Here's why.

Because chivalry should be an act of human decency.  Not an act of self censorship.  If you are going to be a jerk by all means, don't stop being a jerk on account of my femaleness.

Maybe don't be a jerk because you think it would be impolite, because you don't know me that well or because you are having second thoughts about being a jerk.  Maybe be less of a jerk because it's the right thing to do in the context of the given situation.  Don't do it just because I'm a girl.  That's a cop out I reckon.

Look, I love the idea of chivalrous behaviour.  I think there should be more of it.  Manners are ace.  Being kind is great.  Showing respect is cool.  And helping people out when they need a hand, I'm all for it.  But to base such behaviour on gender is not chivalry in my book.  It's chauvinism.

It might not be intended that way, but I reckon it is.

So please, don't modify your behaviour on account of the fact that I am a woman.  Just be a decent human being.  And I'll do the same.

Back in my working days there was one act of pseudo chivalry that bugged the hell out of me.  Inevitably I would end up being the lone woman in a group of men.  And somewhat predictably one of those men would see the need to use the word 'cunt'.

It's not the word 'cunt' that offends me.  What did offend me was that every time this particular guy dropped the c-word he would pause, look me in the eye and say, "No offence".

Gah.  It irritates me even now just recalling it.   

Because the first time he excused himself he might genuinely have been concerned at having offended me, but after that?  After that it's simply making the point that he didn't actually give a shit if I'm offended or not.

But mostly it's offensive because I really don't need to be singled out in that exchange.  To look me in the eye and direct the words only to me and not the men in the room, all that's doing is highlighting an irrelevant difference.  And that is just unnecessary.

I'm not offended by your use of the word "cunt".  Are you offended by my possession of one?

I guess I shouldn't be so irritated by these exchanges though.  Not really.  Because they are just a small example of the myriad of ways in which girls are spoken to differently in varying degrees.  And women are also guilty of this.  Mostly we don't even notice it, but I've really become aware of it since having a daughter of my own.  And by contrast a son.

I've seen the way people talk to my daughter since she was a tiny baby.  Commenting on her hair, her clothes, her appearance as if these were the most important things about her.

And the toys.  My god the toys.  Someone please tell me this: Why do so many of my daughter's toys  come with a hairbrush?  What the actual hell is that about?  Like girls should aspire to sit at home in front of the mirror and gaze at their own reflection.

My son has never been given a toy that comes with a brush.

He gets given toys that do stuff.  Toys that send him the message that he is capable, clever, imaginative and strong.

My daughter gets told she should look good.  Not overtly, obviously.  But isn't that the message?

And don't get me started on The Pink Aisle syndrome.  Last time I went into a toy store I bemoaned to the store manager how I hated the segregation of 'Girls Toys' and 'Boys Toys'.  The girls aisles being all about pretty and pink and princesses (there are also lots of food and cleaning type toys there).  The boy aisles conversely are very dark, blue, black, red and are all about trucks, cars and construction (with plenty of battle paraphernalia and weaponry thrown in for good measure).  Yuk.

"Yeah," he said, "I hate the girl aisle.  All that pink."

"It's not the pink specifically," I countered, "It's simply that they are segregated, like girls can't play with 'boy toys' and vice versa."

"Yeah", he continued, his enthusiasm for the conversation obviously waning, "But there's not really any other way of doing it."

What?  Are you serious?  You've just shown me a remote control car in the 'RC' (Remote Control) aisle.  And now you are walking me to the other side of the shop to show me a remote control dog.  Why is the remote control dog not in the RC aisle?  Oh, because it's a 'girls toy', so it has to come in a pink box with a pink bow and a FUCKING BRUSH.

You know what?  I totally acknowledge that there are strange and biological differences between boys and girls.  

Before my son was born I used to borrow books about trucks from the library for my daughter.  She'd read them and enjoy them, but it was nothing compared to the obsessive joy my son got from similar stimulus once he came along.  He truly loves heavy vehicles.  It's freakish in it's stereotypical-ness.

And because he loves them we encourage his interest by talking to him about them, buying books for him about them and stopping at every worksite we pass (sigh).  But we do this because he loves it.  Not because he's a boy and this is a boy thing.

I also encourage his reading, his imaginative play and his love of dressing up in tutus and fairy wings.

Now that my daughter is six she is all about princesses and pink and parties.  She won't wear jeans, only dresses.  It baffles me and I do wonder whether a lot of this is the influence of her peers now that she is at school.  She clearly doesn't get it from me (so not into pink. gag.)  But then she has some pretty tomboyish friends too and that doesn't stop her wanting to play with castles and fairies.

So I have to respect her choices too.  If that's what she's really into then I am not going to make her feel bad about that.  I want her to enjoy herself and be free to have her own tastes and interests.  I do however feel like I need to be more cautious with her choice of play than with my sons.  Because too frequently the toys that go along with her interests come along with a dangerous latent message that girls most important asset is her appearance.

That doesn't happen in the same way with my sons toys.

It's a big worry for me.  That the way we treat girls differently from boys, in all sorts of ways at all ages and in varying contexts subtly tells them that boys are entitled to take on the world, while girls should be happy with just looking good in it.

Which is such a limiting, terrible and terrifying message to give our little girls.  And our grown women too.

What do you think? Do you worry about this stuff?  Do you hate The Pink Aisle?


Image Licensed Under Creative Commons via Gratisography

20 comments:

  1. Great post. I was looking for gifts for my niece and nephew the other night and took myself out of the toy section because I found it to segregated. So I went to the pj section-boys choices were ninja turtles, batman, spiderman etc. girls were all princesses and kittens and I thought, what if a little girl likes Ninja Turtles?

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    1. Exactly That Summer Feeling! Exactly. One of my daughters best friends LOVES Ninja Turtles. And what a terrible message she is sent when she goes to the toy shop only to find her favourite toys in with the 'boy stuff'. It's crazy. And infuriating. And damaging. And to be honest I can't believe how entrenched it is. x

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  2. Great post Kate. I just wrote a long response but for some reason it didn't post. Anyway the point was - what is the standard today, won't always be that way. For example Pink used to be recognised as strictly a boys colour...
    http://www.npr.org/2014/04/01/297159948/girls-are-taught-to-think-pink-but-that-wasnt-always-so

    There is a great business opportunity in a toy shop just laying out toys not according to gender, but in other ways - let kids be kids and explore and find out what they love - whether it's pink or black.

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    1. That's comforting on one hand but also shocking on the other - just goes to prove that this pink thing is a total construct. As I always say to the kids when I'm on kinder duty 'It's a colour, no-one owns it.' Crazy. How awesome is that pink RL suit just by the way? So sorry your originally comment got eaten, that is so frustrating, you have to make sure you are logged in before you comment, otherwise it disappears. Bugger. Thanks for persevering though! x

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  3. So I think you found your mojo!! Great post Kate. Really great. So much to battle through with gender stereotyping isn't there? Having a boy and a girl obviously magnifies this for you. Speaking of brushes, I'm pretty sure I got given the same florals painted hand mirror and hairbrush set by my grandma for Christmas back in the day!! Yuk.

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    1. Thanks Annette :) I remember those hairbrush sets. Gawd. Yep. The gender stereotyping thing is a cavernous issue, so hard to navigate. x

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  4. You need to write a book Kate - you have such a way with words ! Loved your tale about your old work place - I work in a fairly blokey environment and have had many of those moments where the c bomb is brandished around with the stock standard apologies after it.....which always makes me feel like I am being treated like a coy lady from the 18th century. So, yes, groups of blokey men, either display your chivalry by not acting like a tool in the first place or realise that if the odd swear word does sneak out, our "femaleness" can cope with it !!

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    1. Hilarious Ing! Totally agree - my "femaleness" can totally cope with it, I am not cinched at the waist, brandishing a fan and about to faint at any moment. Quite a buzz to be told I should write a book! Thank-you! x

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  5. Great post!! I completely agree with you about how we raise our children feeds into the patriarchal society. I was just thinking about this very issue as a result of the blog written this weekend on science toys for girls at A Mighty Girl (http://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=7692). Thanks for articulating so well what I was trying to get my head around myself.

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    1. Oh thank-you Sharon! Love it when I can get something out that has been whirling around in my head for a while only to find that others have been mulling it over too. Off to read that article now! Thanks for the link and for the comment. x

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  6. You rock. Bet you won all the debates at school! This type of opinion piece is such a brilliant vehicle for your voice Kate! I love it! And I can't wait to read more of it. Good meaty questions and lots to ponder.
    Survivor has always been a favourite of ours too. Really can't quite understand why some people don't like it! It has adventure and blurred out butt cracks and stunt snakes. Awesome.

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    1. I think we determined already, with my fervent embracing of Taylor Swifts new song and all the bad car singing that goes along with it that I absolutely don't rock. Thanks for saying so though. Thanks also for your feedback, always heartily appreciated. And the fact that you like Survivor, well, that just cements the kindred spirit thing don;t you think? xx

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  7. I love this post, I love a good old rant especially about feminist issues. We are having this very conversation at the moment, my two year old girl really loves playing with saucepans and shit like that, she likes to pretend to cook. I have no problem with that, she watches me doing it all frigging day long so its not surprising she wants to copy me, husband is not so keen. He says if we get her pretend pots and pans we should also get her pretend screwdrivers! Eh! When has she ever seen either of us use a screwdriver?!?! I love the idea and I'm going to do it, be interesting to see what gets played with the most - do I sound like I'm conducting gender experiments on my child? Ha :) xxx

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    1. Emma Potter. I think I am going to like you very much. I've had a quick gander around your gorgeous blog and cannot wait to spend a bit more time there. Yes. I think we are going to get on very well. And not just because of your willingness to perform psychological experiments on your own daughter and your use of the word frigging. Lots to like. (Thanks for popping by and leaving a comment!)

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  8. What a great post Kate! I now dread the advent of Christmas. The toys, the waste, what to buy, the pink!! In recent years we've taken to buying our kids big outdoor items that the three of them can use - like trampoline, table tennis table, drum kit. They love them and they last. Your writing is just getting better and better. I really look forward to your posts. x

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    1. Oh Deb, I know, the whole thing is just gross. There is a gorgeous, warm and generous subtext but far out it's easy to lose all that in the insane consumerism. Thank you so much for your beautiful comments about my writing - so appreciated! x

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  9. Great, beautifully written post Kate! Thank god my girls and boy are now older and as presents go, they are fairly technology focused and they always choose unisex colours - white, black or silver. I am also an unashamed Survivor fan since 2000 although I've missed the last couple of seasons x

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  10. YAY for Survivor fans - did you see Pip Lincolne posted today that she loves it too! I'm not alone! And actually in some pretty good company! Thanks for the lovely words Karen. x

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  11. It's taken me a while but I'm finally reading your blog Kate and absolutely love it. You write so beautifully. x

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    1. Thank-you so much Kate James! I respect you and your work so much, that really means a lot. x

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