{Happy} New Year

It's the first morning of 2016.

2015 has been a bit of a weird one for me.  I won't say it was a disaster.  Not completely catastrophic.

Because I like to keep things in perspective.



Last year I had friends who lost friends.  Friends who were grieving.  Friends who were going through some real shit.  And to broaden my view there was destruction, violence and ills across the globe that made my heart sad.

So by comparison my lovely life in sunny suburbia seems like a dream.

A loyal, loving, long-term relationship.  Two healthy, happy kids.  A lovely home.  Fruit in the fruit bowl, presents under the Christmas tree, friends and family with whom to share my birthday.

Which begs the question - what the hell is my fucking problem?

Yesterday I read this quote:

Quote by Alan Watts from this article at brainpickings

That's me.  That's basically my whole life spent in a valiant effort of self-improvement.  I've long thought this was a good thing, the right thing, that of course I should strive to be the best version of myself that I could be.

I had no idea that this well intentioned striving has in fact had the reverse effect.  Because instead of self improvement, instead of leading me onwards towards a better me what it has done is encouraged, fostered, nurtured the heartfelt belief that I'm not good enough.

In a subtle and subconscious way I have spent my whole life trying to escape myself.  Somehow trying to turn myself into something better than I am.  Never acknowledging that grasping for better at it's core is a denial of what is, of who I am.

And in an ironic and bitter twist I am beginning, ever so slowly to see that this denial of what is, this lack of acceptance of who I actually am, (right now, not in a years time when I am miraculously 'better') is the architect of the prison in which my best self is trapped.

For I have seen who I am.  I have seen the truth of the matter.  I have been brushed, feather light by the undeniable and yet somehow very hard to grasp truth.  That I am broad and deep and vast.  That I contain immense, immeasurable power, passion and possibility.  I encompass unending compassion and limitless joy.  I am whole.  I am complete.  I am perfect.

And so are you.

I am not my bad decisions, I am not every stupid thing I have ever said, I am not my anger, my shame, my sadness.  I am not my dysfunctional relationships. I am not my anxiety.

These things are part of me, part of the suffering of this shared human experience, but they do not define me. They cannot contain me.  And I do not need to escape them.

So I am not doing New Years Resolutions this year.  I am not going to continue to split myself in two.

No more striving for someone or something better than.  No more looking into the vista of the distant furture hoping for more.

Instead I am going to come to rest where I am.  I am coming home.  I'll see you there. x

How was 2015 for you?  And what are your hopes for 2016?

Listen to The Rolling Stones Moonlight Mile

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