Sunday, November 9, 2014

Balancing Act


So there is definitely a link between my computer and social media use and my swirly out-of balance-ness.  




It's a shame because I enjoy engaging in this way, both with people that I know and people who I have only 'met' online.  


But I can see I need to have boundaries in place. I'm not blaming the internet. I'm not blaming Facebook. I'm not blaming my computer.


I can't entirely blame these things for my anxiety, for my feeling like I can't catch my breath, can't get ahead, can't reach the surface.  


There are other factors. Illness, sick kids, busy life. But computer use certainly is a major contributor. How do I know this? Because when I turn my computer off, disconnect from the internet, I feel better.  


When I am offline the swirly feelings subside like the tide and I can breathe.  These feelings, they don't go away altogether. But they lessen, retreat, diminish. 


I had a beautiful opportunity to go away with the kids and visit some extended family recently. There I had no reception, no computer, no phone and that was it. That was all I needed to break the cycle.  To show myself that I don't even miss it when it's gone.

  
That in fact I feel better without it.  So when I returned I set some rules around my computer use. Oh, yes, I have made rules before but then I did Blog With Pip and all that fell away.  

Not that I am blaming Pip either. No way. Blog with Pip was a blast. It taught me a lot about blogging and connected me with some truly amazing and inspiring people. Some of whom I have been thrilled to share with you here over the last few weeks. (I really hope you've enjoyed the Guest Post series, I think there were some real gems!)


Blog With Pip is ace and Pip is the bomb. But I tell you what it's also a bit addictive. Because it's so great. And because it's good for my blog too.  


We bloggers are constantly being told that to have a successful blog we need to ENGAGE! That means not just posting here, but reading and commenting on other peoples blogs, putting my posts out there on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. ALL THE THINGS!! And it's true. It works. 


When I tell people about my posts, they read them. And that is totally awesome.  I'm not talking about wanting to reach any commercial-type blog pinnacles.  I'm not talking about earning money or becoming a 'big' blogger.  


I am talking about people reading my words and connecting with them.  I am talking about people who have told me they miss my voice when I'm not writing here (Tread Kindly, you are indeed very kind). People who have told me that what I do here makes them want to start blogging (Do it!). And people who tell me that we are kindred spirits, as Anne with an E would say (Chronic-ills of Rach, you're so right about Gilbert Blythe)


So when these connections are made, and people value my words, and me theirs it feels good.  So I think "that feels good - I'll do more of that."  


Only what doesn't feel good is spending so much time on my computer (even though it is a sexy new Air and I am a little bit in love with it). What doesn't feel good is getting short with my kids because they want my attention but I want to have a cup of tea and scroll my Facebook feed.  What doesn't feel good is modelling poor computer use to my babes who will soon enough be needing to manage their own use of devices.  


None of these things feels good.  And ultimately these things are bigger and more important than comments on my blog.  Because as I have thrashed out before that which gives us pleasure does not ultimately make us happy.


So here is my new rule (and it's a biggie): No computer use before my kids are in bed for the night.  Also each night when I go to bed I shut down my computer and physically remove it (hide it in my jumper drawer).  This means it is not beckoning me in the morning when I get up.  


And this new rule? It is good.  


I've lamented to friend before how, if the computer is on my desire to check it is continuous, constant and crazy-making.  And stupidly can retrospectively shape a whole day, just change the mood around the place. Simply because I'm not focussed on the kids and I'm giving off this 'Mummy would rather be elsewhere' vibe.


So enough.


I don't know what this means for One Small Life.  I hope I am going to be able to still give this blog the attention it needs.  I suspect things are going to get a bit uncomfortable around here.  But maybe that's a good thing.  We'll have to wait and see how that pans out.  


What I do know is that while this space and the gorgeous, supportive and talented people who read it are important to me, my kids and my family are more important by far (Obviously, sorry guys).  As is my own mental health and contentment.


So let's see.  Bring on the new challenge, the new discipline and new disconnection and let's see where it takes us.



What are your rules around computer use and screen time?

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20 comments:

  1. I can totally understand where you are coming from..It is so easy to get caught up with social media and to keep running the ENGAGE race. I am similair to you, I blog because I like writing and I like having a space that is mine. I don't want to be famous!
    My guidelines for computer/blog/social media use is I don't write etc until I have all of my jobs for that day done.
    I don't think you should beat yourself up for wanting a cuppa and a scroll..
    x

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    1. Haha - a cuppa and a sroll! Now I might have to replace the FB scroll with an actual, pastry-type scroll to help ease my withdrawal! I was itchin' to get back here all day today. It's going to take some getting used to, but in the long run, I think it will make me happier. And yes, the engage race (as you put it) can be quite addictive, I really need to focus more on the writing and less on the other, essentially peripheral stuff. x

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    2. Replacing baked goods with FB might not be the healthiest thing :D:D But I like your style! :)
      I read a great quote on IG the other day,
      'Being famous on Instagram is like being rich in Monopoly" and it smacked me in the face, because it is so true! I do compare myself to other people who might get 20 comments on a post, or have 300 likes for a IG photo, but I have been focusing on creating genuine friendships with people's blogs I really do love (ahem, like you :) ) and keeping in perspective that blogging is just for fun and one of my creative outlets. Keep at it. Your blog is great. And so are you. x

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    3. Thanks so much Tash! That's a good quote to remember, not that online 'fame' was ever my goal - but it is a bit cool when people start reading and commenting on your blog, isn't it? Certainly makes things a bit addictive. You're right though, we just have to keep going, at our own pace, for our own reasons, in our own small way. x

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  2. TOTALLY relate to this Kate. I do enjoy this blogging / internet caper too but I well n' truly have to put limitations on it. I only really get a post out once a month or so. I do not have the time to do anymore and I don't want other parts of my life to suffer as a result of spending too much time in this mega addictive cyber world. Love the new look of your site. Looking forward to reading many more One Small Life tales but at your own pace ! Thanks for the mention, you are lovely x

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    1. YOU are lovely, and so right. But it IS quite addictive - especially once becoming part of something like BWP and connecting with so many great people. x

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  3. I'm hearing you and struggling with the same. xx

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    1. It's so great that I am not alone in this Zoe! There are so many others out there who seem to be so prolific on-line, posting all the time and so engaging on social media. I honestly don't know how they find the time! x

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  4. Great rule and I love that you're following your instincts. I struggle with the same torment as I'm sure do most bloggers who mean something to others, who play a role in someone else's life. Keep writing when the time is there. It will be enough. And you'll have a hell of a lot more stuff to write about! Xx

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    1. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. It's my new mantra. x

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  5. I can understand your dilemma. Myself, I have no rules. But I have made it a habit to get up an hour before I really have to, so I can check all the social media and email business before I have to get ready for work. And I check my Bloglovin feed at night when everyone is in bed and I can take my time to enjoy everyone's blog. x

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    1. I need rules Karen. I love a rule. And a list, love a list too. I would love to get up an hour before I had to, to write and meditate. But my kids get up around 5am, and I draw the line at a 4am start. I already need a chocolate shaped pick me up around 3pm, imagine the state of me if I got up at 4?!

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  6. It's all about setting boundaries, isn't it. This life requires us to do a lot of that, and yet, teaches young girls (or did in our generation) that we should always put others first... which sometimes results in us always being last. The swirly out-of-control feeling we get when it is all encroaching. Using your voice to establish boundaries and expectations is true strength. Your little ones are still so little. I promise that these challenges will change over time. You are so doing the right thing to listen to your inner voice and respond to it.
    My own rules around screentime are different, a bit like my life is different. My screen is my connection to life as I knew it. I don't pick up my laptop until everyone has left for the day, but then I am on it, writing and browsing and engaging, until school pick up time. Then, I pick it up again if hubby is working after dinner, or watching crap on telly. I often pick it up when I am really nauseous, because it is a great distraction. I don't know how I would survive illness without my laptop (I've got a sexy Air, too! Shazam!) I feel so lucky to have that connection to the world.
    Hold tight sweets. For now, this is what you need to do, your readers won't abandon you. Just let us know when there is new goodness on your blog and we will buzz on over to see what you've been growing! Glad you're back. Love the new space. X

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    1. Yep. Boundaries. And I know you are so right about the challenges that small children bring to time management are but fleeting. That knowledge is part of the reason that I need these boundaries - because I know the time they want my attention, my input, ME! is so short-lived. Too soon they will be pushing me away and creating there own boundaries between me and them. That's why, they have to come first now, and that is so fine. I also have exemptions to my new rule, like if my kids are out of the house etc....I'm going to be flexible with it, I think I just really need to redefine that habit of having the computer on all day, checking in on it constantly - that is unproductive on so many levels. Bit by bit, we'll refine, renegotiate and we'll get there. x

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  7. I like blogging, but I mostly do what is comfortable for me, and I like living a very simple life by being in the moment I'm in.

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting Lon - I'll be checking out your blogs too (when I have some allocated free internet time!) as it looks like we have some similar themes and interests going on. Your comment resonates with me - living in the moment. So important, so simple, but not always easy.

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  8. I can really relate to this Kate! I probably should set some rules but knowing me I'd just break them! I think by being aware of the addictive nature of this great online community and realizing that a lot of us are in the same or similar situation, we can cut ourselves a bit of slack. For me that means knowing it's ok to not read and comment on every blog post in my blog roll/ blog loving and BWP , even they are awesome, to not have to see every image posted on Instagram, or Facebook . To not take a photo daily if I can't take one I'm happy with, or am too busy. This is a work in progress, as is life, finding a balance between being present to your own needs, that of your loved ones and work/creativity/blogging community etc etc etc. Good on you for getting clear on what works for you!

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    1. Yep, I tend to set rules and then break them too Emily! In fact I think I might be doing that right now ;) Still, I think it's good to have the intention, and the awareness around the issue, to keep that at the forefront is the most important thing. You are so right, I think there is a certain thing in my personality that makes it difficult for me to be free and easy with the internet - like you I seem to fall into feeling like I need to keep up with everyone, read every post, comment, not miss a thing. Which obviously is impossible! But it's tricky when you have a hope that people will do that for you, then it's like a need to reciprocate. As you say though, I think we are all in the same boat with regards to time issues - especially us hobby bloggers, so most people understand we can't always be everywhere. And knowing that also makes the readers, likers and commenters that much more valuable - that they actually stopped and took the time to engage. It's wonderful. x

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  9. Great decision. I get up before the kids to do the morning check/post, then check again at lunchtime. Then, like you, it's nothing until bed. (In theory. It sneaks through more than that, but no more writing and reading entire blog posts during the day.)

    Great post, and thanks for sharing your thought process. I hope life feels more balanced and less anxious. x

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    1. Thanks Emily! I have exceptions too - like if the kids are out or watching telly. But what I have found really helpful is actually removing the computer. No more constant checking and rechecking of email and FB. Lord knows I'm not that popular that I need to be checking it all the time anyhow!! Now I just need to deal with the constant pull of IG on my phone. haha! I use that when I am having lappy withdrawals. Oh dear. x

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