Sunday, February 2, 2014

Beautiful Sad

There is a beauty in sadness.  Some sadness anyway.

I dropped my little (big) girl off at school for the first time this week.

And it was beautifully sad.  

She was so happy, which made it easy for me.  But the emotion came in waves all morning, all day.  Beautiful,  wonderful, happy-sad waves.

While she was getting ready, and running circles chanting "Can we go now? Can we go now?!" I stifled my tears.  Settled my anxiety, my worry.  Any negative thoughts are irrational - this is a happy day.

I'm so proud of her.  And yet also so aware that pride is not really the right word.  Because it implies some sort if self interest, and what I feel is not that I have done a great job, but that she is a great little person.  The best things I do for her involve staying out of the way, as best I can.

I'm so happy for her.  She is so excited and so positive.  So blissfully unaware of the injuries to body and soul that await her, unavoidable, necessary.  School is a vast unknown for her, and yet look at her unbridled enthusiasm.  It's infectious and naive and wonderful.

I'm so nostalgic.  This milestone day is bringing up memories of her babyhood, that now seems so fleeting. And my own (mistaken) first day of school.  It's reminding me how wonderful school can be.  Will be for her.  It's causing me to calculate my newly free time.  It's making me want to have another baby.

I'm so excited for the future.  Her educational career has begun.  So many amazing knowledge doors are going to be opened to her.  How many interests piqued?  How many future careers planned and abandoned?  Her social journey is beginning.  So many great experiences and memories are about to be forged.  And how many wonderfully intense friendships will be formed?  How many forever friends made, how many pinkie promises broken?

Two days down.  So far so good.

Thirteen years to go.  So much in store.

I just hope I can continue to be there with her and for her, as much as she needs me to be.  As little as she wants me to be.  Helping her navigate the labyrinthine path she has started on to adulthood.

May it be more fun than foul, more safe than scary, more life affirming than self diminishing, more kind than cruel.  May it be more exciting than mundane, more adventurous than cautious, more interesting than dull.  May she be challenged, nurtured and encouraged to be the best possible version of herself.  Strong, fearless, female.

May this journey be long and winding and slow. Especially slow.

And may she be able often to find the beauty in sadness.

Did you have kids starting or heading back to school this week?

Listen To: The White Stripes We're Going to be Friends

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