Thursday, February 19, 2015

Compassion. Start With Yourself. #1000Speak


When I was a kid I hated that saying that you had to love yourself in order to love anyone else.

I don't know why, the idea of self love just never sat right with me.  It seemed weird.  Arrogant.  Conceited.  Or something.



Perhaps that view seems strange, but I reckon there's a gazillionty teenage girls out there who relate to it.  Maybe today's teenagers are different.  More self assured (they sure seem that way).  But deep down?  Deep down, I doubt it.  They're all a ball of insecurity and self doubt, aren't they?  Aren't we?

When I was a teenager it was the height of wrongness to admit to liking yourself.  Even any tiny bit of yourself.  You could like as much as you wanted about anyone else, hair, eyes, clothes, legs, hands, nails, lips - oh yes!  Girls get down to the details.

But if you were talking about your own body, or clothes or life it was only to recite the negatives.  My thighs are too fat, my top is too tight, my parents are the worst.

It's easy to laugh this behaviour off as harmless teenage angst.  But it's safer not to.  Because this behaviour persists, if you let it.  And really?  It's not so harmless at all.

I see that now, now that I have kids.  Now that I have a daughter.  I notice this stuff, and how it hangs about, assumed, unquestioned, like it's okay.  But it's so totally not okay.

Because when someone says "You look nice.  I like you hair.  Your skin is glowing." should the first instinct be to deflect?  Before thought?  Instinct?

No.  No, is the answer to that question.

Because after you deflect.  After you drop your gaze and mumble something self-depreciating and feel uncomfortable and change the subject the next thing you see are the big eyes watching you from the back seat.  The next thing you notice are the little ears pricked.  And she's not judging, this silent audience.  Not at all.  What she's doing is learning.  Learning what it means to be a woman, how to behave, how to react.  How to deflect, and how to make that deflection instinct.

What she's doing is being taught that it's not okay to like yourself, to like the little details of yourself, to like the little details enough to love the greater whole, both inside and out.

We would never talk about our kids the way we talk about (and think about) ourselves.  But what we often don't realise is that our children learn to talk about themselves, not the way we talk about them, but the way we talk about ourselves.

Our children don't learn to look at themselves the way we look at them.  They learn to look at themselves the way we look at ourselves.

THEY LEARN TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES THE WAY WE LOOK AT OURSELVES.

I'm sorry for the caps, but this one's important.  And I'm not yelling at you - I'm trying to imprint it on my own mind.  I don't want to forget it.

It's why I get mad when my kids Grandmother says negative things about her body, refers to her flabby stomach or her wobbly arms or her wibbly thighs.  Because it doesn't matter if she then says something positive about my daughter and how amazing she is or my son and how awesome he is.  What she's already done is shown my kids that it's okay to be critical of yourself, it's normal to think you're not good enough, that it's proper to assume that everyone around you is better than you are.

And that is just not right.  But it is oh, so normal.

And you know what?  This lack of self love, this feeling that it's not okay to be nice about and towards yourself, this ever critical, judgmental way of looking at ourselves, this is the hard work of compassion.

Because if we want to have the resources, the abilities, the instincts to be able to practice compassion towards others, then we must start first with ourselves.

It might seems awkward and narcissistic and weird (it does) but it is necessary.

For as cliched and hokey as it may seem (yes, it does) the notion that you cannot love another until you can love yourself is spot on.

I'm talking about real love, true compassion.  Love and compassion when it's hard, when it bites, when it is uncomfortable.

Not the sort of compassion you can feel scrolling through your Facebook feed looking at worthy causes and people in need and those that suffer.  Not sympathy, not empathy even.  But the deeper feeling of compassion.  And compassion for someone you don't agree with, or someone that is challenging you or someone who is actually wrong.

Because that shit is HARD.

And if you haven't had the practice, if your instinct is judgement and criticism even if that instinct is self judgement and criticism, that makes it even harder.

So here is the lesson, for myself and maybe you'll find it of value too.  Be nice to ourselves first.  It's hard I know.  Because self love feels weird and icky and all sorts of wrong.

But if we let that conditioning go.  Or if we see compassion for ourselves as practice for a greater, outward compassion, then we can start with the real work.  We can start with the real compassion.

Not the easy sort of compassion for the good causes and worthy recipients. But the hard work of compassion.  Compassion for the ones that challenge us, that test us, that maybe even hurt us a bit.  Compassion for the ones that do wrong and are wrong and that we don't like or want to be like.

There's no way we can get to that place, if we can't first start with ourselves.  In fact starting with ourselves might be the hardest part of all.

This post was written as part of the #1000Speak Challenge


How do you feel about self love?  Does it come easily, or does it take a bit of work?

24 comments:

  1. Such an important thing, to learn to take a compliment graciously and be nice to ourselves in doing so. Self compassion is a beautiful message to get out there, and this is such a lovely post!

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    1. Thanks so much Lila, I wasn't sure when writing this if I was saying what I wanted to say - making sense. So your validation is really appreciated. x

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  2. The lesson is a big one and goes to the heart. It is definitely a gift to be able to do that for your children, but you are right it isn't easy. I like to think it is one of the many jobs we have to do while we live. Lovely post

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    1. Thanks so much Romana - isn't it funny how it somehow becomes important to learn these lessons for others, but of course it's really for ourselves and that's the whole point! Never mind, however the lesson presents itself is alright by me. I'll take it! x

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  3. Oh yes, this is so true and I'm so glad you have written so eloquently about it. It still feels very weird to like myself. I don't really like myself terribly much. I know my mother doesn't particularly like herself so I know where I got it from. I am much much quicker to admit to my weaknesses than my strengths. But I hate when I see others do the same.

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    1. I give great compliments and advice to other people too, but find it so difficult to allow myself to do the same. Terrible isn't it? I've started trying to treat myself the way I treat my kids. To give myself the advice I'd give my best friends. It's hard, but it's important. I hope you find it gets easier for you too, eventually. At least you can see where it comes from - that's a great start because you know that it is a learned, not inherent quality. x

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  4. I remember being in a group of people one summer and every girl was rattling off things she hated about herself, I remember thinking what about each of them I envied! I was never one to complain about myself, but neither was my mother....so what you say is exactly right. Even to this day I only see the beauty in people whether it is from the outside or inside. Lovely post.

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    1. Thanks Kate - I think it's so true. We may feel sometimes as parents that our kids don't listen to us. But the behaviour we model is SO important. This is what they will take (almost unconsciously) into adulthood. How wonderful that your mother was able to model a sense of being happy with ones self. It's so important. x

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  5. Self compassion is the hardest step but the best step to spreading the compassion. It's still something that I struggle with and really I think it is one we have to work on continually.

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    1. Yes! It's so hard and important. I really don't think you can have true deep compassion for others unless you can feel that for yourself. And of course self compassion is not just about not being self critical, it goes much deeper than that. But it's an important first step. x

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  6. Self compassion, especially as a woman can be quite difficult. Enjoyed this post very much!

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    1. yes darla, it really can. why are we women so hard on ourselves? Thank-you for your comment. x

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  7. Great post - love your capitalised point about how our kids learn to look at themselves the way we look at ourselves. I feel like I grew up thinking I should feel guilty if I ever felt proud of something about myself. As you say, it is the hard work we need to do with self-compassion that enables us to do compassion for others in the hardest of circumstances.

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment Kathy. Guilt is such a funny thing, and needs to be examined for goths it's origins and value - sometimes we just don't need it and it would serve us better if we could just drop it. Easier said than done, of course. x

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  8. This is so true. I love this post! Found it via the Blog with Pip Alumni share :)

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    1. Oh wonderful Mel! Thank-you. The Alumni group is the best. Look forward to seeing you there! x

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  9. Gorgeous post Kate. I particularly liked the part about "hard compassion" - towards those who we think may not deserve it. Now that is real compassion and something I can definitely improve upon as I have a tendency to be a wee bit judgmental and critical (starting with myself of course) x

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    1. I think we can all improve on this one. It's certainly a challenge, but a worthy one! Thanks so much for your comment. I love it when you pop in! x

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  10. Sometimes cliches are true. Love yourself first.
    I also hate hearing negative body speak around children, because it sets them up to worry about their bodies.

    And on another note, it was so nice to meet you today! Thank you for all of your support :)

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    1. It was so great to finally meet you Carly! What a gorgeous morning it was. Thanks so much for taking the time to pop in and comment. x

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  11. Thank you for this post. Having compassion for ourselves can be the hardest challenge. It's hard not to see myself as weak or less-than, to see every mistake and flaw. Self compassion is a daily struggle.

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    1. It's true Elizabeth - but fascinating to examine why that is? Why is it so hard? If we can make it just a little bit easier to be kind and compassionate to ourselves, then if follows it will be easier to share those feelings with others. Thanks for commenting! x

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  12. Yes, all so true! I do the classic making anybody who gives me a compliment feel bad for giving me that compliment by making up a whole host of reasons why their compliment can't possibly be true about me....I have to mentally stop myself from doing this and instead smile and say thank you, I'm getting better at it. What you say can easily become what you start believing. Your lovely soul shines through this post X

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    1. It's so crazy, isn't it? Why do we do this to ourselves? And as you said, a small change, just being mindful enough to stop that silly chatter, smile and say thank-you - it can really change your attitude, over time (it does take time!). Thanks for commenting Naomi - it's so comforting to hear of other peoples struggles with these things, like we are all struggling together somehow! x

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